The following demonstrates what happens if we get trapped in self-blame, when we blindly attempt to force our own vision on those around us. Using a real example from my clinical practice, I will demonstrate how this mother and daughter were able to let go of this fight and in so doing achieved greater connection, thus facilitating individual growth.

If you are interested in more details about how to communicate more effectively in your family, why not get in touch. I’d be delighted to connect with you.

Stress over keeping up with schoolwork can become all that more intense during the lockdown.

Guilt!

Anybody who’s a parent will most likely know the feeling ‘guilt’ very well! Now by this, I don’t mean the guilt feeling when you’ve done something wrong but rather the self-critical inner voice that does not seem happy with your actions. There are ample opportunities to ‘feel’ guilty about almost anything that is to do with our children (e.g. you’re not doing enough reading with your children, you’re not cooking the right foods, you did not make a big enough birthday cake, your child doesn’t like studying, and so on and so on…).

I’d say - Stop!

This type of guilt tripping, whilst perhaps helping us to strive to continue to be good enough parents and reminding us that we are only humans, can actually work against us. The way I see it, this guilt is just another way of blaming yourself for something that actually is outside of your remit. It is something that we use to try and manage the anxiety that comes with having a responsibility for someone else’s life and wanting ‘the best for them’.

In fact, having this sort of guilt could end up standing in the way of you and your connection with your child. In other words, this guilt could be the ‘tree’ that could stop you from being able to see what’s important … that is, your child.

Let me demonstrate – real life example from my clinical work

Last week, whilst in the lockdown, I run a video session with a mother and her teenage daughter. The mum, let’s call her Karen, was really stressed out because her 15 year old daughter, whom I’m gonna call Sally, was not doing enough schoolwork.

Everyday, Karen would say something like, “why can’t you just study”, “have you done any studying today?”, “you don’t have any other responsibilities, so I don’t see why you can’t study.” This would lead to shouting and slammed doors.

Karen would be hyper-vigilant to all that her daughter was doing, and it seemed as though she had lost the ability to trust Sally to do her own studying in her own way. So for instance, when Sally would put her music on, to Karen this was an indication that she was not taking her studying seriously and would insist Sally turns the music off.

Not surprisingly what followed was increased tension, more tears, shouting, bad words, resentment … slammed doors.

I listened carefully to both, Karen and Sally’s points of view. Sally was mad at her mum that she was not listening to her. This led to her feeling increasingly stressed and ending up thinking ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘I can’t do anything right’, ‘I’m making everyone more stressed’.

For Karen, she was angry with her daughter for adding to her already stressful day of working, house-chores, dog walking duties and facilitating her husband’s DIY attempts. Her resentment towards Sally grew and grew, and she was becoming more and more stressed. Karen denied feeling stressed but her daughter saw all the signs.

How to connect rather than stress

After about 30 minutes of having reflected the different perspectives to them, we established that actually Karen’s focus on encouraging Sally to study was futile and was making them both unhappy. Karen asked me, “If I can’t help my daughter study, I don’t know how else to help?”I noticed that Karen was responding to everything that I or Sally was saying with a “Yes, but …” answer.

The following was what I said to her:

“Karen, your job right now is not to be right, to win this argument”.

“Instead, look into Sally’s eyes, truly and genuinely, and listen. Just listen to her. Don’t offer any solutions.”

At this point, the penny had dropped. I could see that Karen was receiving. She looked into her daughter’s eyes who, at that point felt validated by our session and was receptive to her mother’s attempts at repairing their rapture. As Karen looked into her daughter’s eyes, they both embraced each other without uttering a word and held each other tight for a long time, whilst crying their tears of love and forgiveness to each other.

What followed after did not need a direction from me ….

Karen and Sally were able to listen to each other, with Karen taking the lead in modelling active listening. In so doing, Karen and Sally repaired their broken connection.

Together, they were able to come up with a plan of how to manage this tension next time.

Subsequent check in

In our subsequent video connecting session, Karen and Sally appeared much happier. They were smiling and were sitting side by side rather than on the opposite ends of their sofa. Sally told me she felt more in control of her own timetable, felt respected by her mum and was trusted to get on with her own work in her own way. In turn, she was offering to do housework which her mother gladly accepted rather than seeing as an opportunity to get out of her studies.

Of course, Karen believed that Sally had the capacity to do far more with her studies but Karen was able to see this as her own need rather than Sally’s need. As Karen put it, “It’s up to Sally now, I need to respect the fact she might end up making unwise decisions. That’s part of her own journey. I’m her mum and I am proud of her for taking charge in her own way.”

Take away tips:

· Know your red flags for getting stressed

· The more you fight to be right, the more you are missing the point

· Connect with your loved ones by being curious rather than defensive about their actions, thoughts and feelings

· Give your child the opportunity to make their own mistakes .. that’s a huge part of their own development

· And make sure you demonstrate your love for them even on days when you don’t particularly like what they do

My teenager does not want to study - I’m a bad parent